Usually, I would solve the readers issue or advise them briefly, but one of my readers have decided that she would need some exposure to a situation that is not only recurrent, but affecting why many naija women are still un-married.

The story goes like this:

This young lady named Vana met this gentle man named Temi in 2005 from a family friend of hers. When they met he was engaged, happy and enjoying life. They met strictly as friends and that continued for about year. One day she heard sad news that his engagment was off. Being the concerned friend she was, she decided to console him about the situation. She learned that, Temi’s fiance broke off the engagement because of rumors she heard about his family and rumors about his own ways. His fiance decided to take laws into her own hands by moving on with someone else 6 months before their traditional/white wedding in December 2008. Nonetheless, Vana decided to help wipe his tears and pray to the grace of God that things will get better for him. Temi stayed heart broken for about a month and felt better later on, due to Vana’s confidence in him and their talks about his future. (or so she thought). One day he came to see her in Texas and expressed to her his feeling towards her. She was elated because she loved him so much and was happy that he loved her so much as well.  They spoke everyday and he introduced her to his parents and he threw her a big birthday party, complete with popping bottles and making it “hailstorm” on her. They seemed so happy and she was appreciative to have him as a good friend. He took her shopping and they grew very close.  Even so close that he insisted in meeting her parents at their home in Texas. Her parents fell in love with him instantly, with his boyish charm and of course his coveted nigerian profession in medicine.

Temi was finishing his last year of Medical school at UCLA and he told Vana that they can chat online so that way he can concentrate on his studies and still have a chance to catch up with her.  He kept saying that he wanted to see her. So Vana decided that with all his hard work..she will suprise him in Los Angeles.

When she went to LA she saw her cousin who helped her with the suprise. Her cousin went and tried to see if Temi would be available to take some time off from studying and he told Vana’s cousin that he will be available not knowing that Vana will be there.

When Vana and her cousin suprised him. He wasn’t happy to see Vana and all of those other lovey-dovey things he said over their chats. Vana took him out to lunch and he was acting quite in-different to her. She decided to stay with her cousin until it was time to go. Vana kinda figured that she was probably intruding on his focus and maybe seeing him at this time was not a good idea. Vana asked her cousin to ask Temi what was up.

Temi told her cousin that he didnt want to see her because he was under alot of pressure and didnt want to make her upset because he needs his space. That explanation was cool and all but unfortunately it didnt hold well on his conscience. Vana kept sending him messages and he stopped responding until oneday, Vana’s cousin found out a dirty secret from back home……

Her cousin found out that Temi was getting married in six weeks to some girl from hisvillage in Nigeria. She called Vana immediately, and Vana became devastated. Vana couldn’t even face Temi.  Vana told her parents and they felt bamboozeled, embarrassed and couldn’t understand why he would come to their house and be involved with someone else. Nonetheless, Temi had the nerve to call her and leave her a lovey-dovey message like as if Vana didnt know. Vana never returned back his calls. Temi called her childish for not talking to him.

Vana presented me with the friend breaking question. Should she return his call and talk to him and ask him about his shadyness? or should she continue to ignore him and move on with her life?

I am going to place a poll based on your answers, I will send her the correct advice needed for her to mend her broken heart.

Thank you for helping Vana! She appreciates it.

You have heard it over and over–time and time again that you can’t measure the events in your life to what someone else is going through. Sometimes being in a relationship before marriage can be a blessing. Certain pressures that are involved in marriage can be too complex for a man to handle and sometimes even for a woman. It takes a different type of mature mindset to understand those things. Rushing marriage can be dangerous especially if you put too much pressure on a man to get down on one knee.

But… If you have been together for over two years and have been emotionally, financially (yes this means alot when it comes to marriage), physically and mentally competent and now there is nothing left for you both to accomplish and are at the pinnacle of love then why not get married. I always used to ask… now what is that man waiting for? Sometimes we wonder….. Is he cheating?, Am I not the one? But it is all on the level of comfort and confidence you give to your man that is also embedded in your man . If he feels like he does not have the 2 “C’s” in you then that’s why he is prolonging the idea. Talk to him about what is going on and what he may want and need from you. This would prove that you can develop what is considered a “compromise” which happens to be the third and most important “C” when developing a path towards marriage. Being able to show your man that you can do certain things to please him or appeal can help you in the long run.

If you start feeling a little jealous or you begin going on a wedding witchhunt to satisfy the fact that you are not married, you will cause a severe downward spiral in your relationship and there may be negative reprecussions to that situation. You have to look and be proud of what you have. As Nigerians know, weddings or the act of being married is just about the epitome of our culture. It plays an important part of every young woman’s life. SO it is understandable when you feel in doubt because everyone around you is getting married. Take it as a blessing, so that way those who have paved the way for you can advise you and you can see from far ahead mistakes that can be avoided.

So the next time you start wondering about when you are getting married, just think about all the fun stuff you haven’t accomplished yet with your man and ask him what more does he want from you. Intiative is platinum in a relationship and since marriage can be also considered a business or partnership in business it is important to invest towards marriage. Focus on what you can do to be prepared for that special day and show your man (or vice versa) why you are so special in his life.

In other terms, if you are reading this and you are in your thirties and yes your biological clock is ticking and you have been dating this guy for more than two years, you need to look into what is going on in the relationship. In your thirties, you already know what you want and need in another individual. You may need to have that pep talk.

I always say that prayer is so important when asking for the Lord’s strength to make something happen. But it would be selfish to ask God for why you are not married yet. You should focus prayer on building harmony, fidelity and love in your relationship. These are all elements that will adhere making marriage the center of your relationship development.

As you all and should know that Nigeria Independence Day celebration falls on October 1st, but in NYC and in many highly “Naija” populated places the parade/celebration may fall on a Saturday at the end of September. This year if you haven’t  made an effort to attend the parade or the evening Nigerian parties.. You may actually be missing out on meeting your future husband!!!

I have met some interesting people, I have made new friendships as well as developed strong business connections at the parade only. But it just never ceases to amaze me about how many relationships develop from meeting people at the Parade or at the Celebration parties.

I have a friend that met her soulmate last year at the Parade and they will be married in June 2009. Her story is very funny yet affectionate. Her love was following her around literally at the parade (I mean stalker status..lol) and she didnt want to meet him or be surrounded by him. She later saw him again at a party in Manhattan (looking fine and fit in his suit) and they finally got close. They started dating for a couple weeks and he realized that she was the one. He proposed to her in May and now they are preparing for their anniversary date.

This year will be your year. September 27th, 2008 will be the date where you meet your special someone. It will either be at the parade or at the Nigerian Independence Day celebration party being held at Club Spy in Manhattan.  Come out to the parade and if this is your first time attending, please wear the official colors of green and white to represent the love and pride you have for Nigeria. Trust me, if you do not meet your future husband at the parade or club celebrations your connections that you meet will connect to your future you just have to come out and experience it for yourself.

Please check out the hottest party happening after the Parade on the 27th of September. Shout outs to Nollywood America.com. Check out their website for more details and I look forward to seeing you there!!!

The Official Nigerian Independence Day Party 2008

It is not the end of the world. You invest all of your time and effort and you feel like everything has gone down the drain– now what– what is a girl to do?–

Ladies, we have all been there at least once in our lives. You made your scrap books,talked about what you are going to name your children, introduced him to your family and you spent all of your quality time with him. You build equity in your feelings for him and finally those feelings are foreclosed.

I remember making every excuse.. Oh he is just too busy for me, Oh maybe he is having a bad day or my favorite excuse “We just need more time” and then finally the arguments and “out of no where” disagreements transcend. After you have made every excuse in the book, you need to reflect only on your own happiness as selfish as it made sound.

Kudos to you, you were faithful, loyal and very understanding. Unfortunately, he is not the one. Your good nature and spirit should be preserved for someone who deserves you. We all have one person out there dealing with similar issues, and now in 2008 it is time to own up to your future and stop making excuses.

It will be a hard struggle for you. Especially if you were those type of girl’s who cut everyone out of their life to invest all of their time into their fallen relationship. But, if you weren’t that type of girl who cut everyone off then you will be in better spirits than many.

Try to get out more and enjoy life. You never know who you will meet out there unless you are out having fun. Please have fun in moderation. Go to your favorite bookstore and pick up a new book. Organize clutter and other things surrounding you that make you either regress in your state of happiness or things that make you think of him. Most importantly consult with your close girl friends about a girl’s night out to somewhere sophisticated and chic.

Oh yeah and lastly ladies FORGET HIM!!!!–I think it is the best piece of advice I can give you.

- Lesson #1: Spend time ALONE and get to know who you truly are apart from your family & friends. This will enable you to become more comfortable with yourself. - Lesson #2: Work on you, not on him! Do not expect your man to change, because he is who he is. Most Nigerian man, particularly over the age of 30 are FIXED; SET IN their ways. Relationships are about compromise, if you want your partner to change something, have you asked yourself what YOU are willing to alter? - Lesson #3: Let's face it...the way our parents married is not under the same conditions as this present time. As young people and many of us are 1st or 2nd generation American-born Nigerians, we define our relationship. Some of our ol' cultural sayings really don't work anymore. - Lesson #4: If you realize that your man gives you the financial security that you desire BUT, fails to meet your other needs (e.g., sprituality, social outings, sharing hobbies, etc.) then LEAVE him. You musn't allow $ £ to dictate your relationship. -Lesson #5: Make sure you have your OWN GOALS. Men often meet their goals before they decide to get married; women on the other hand, will put their dreams aside for a man and later regret saying, " I didn't get to do this...and that..." Enjoy your singlehood, earn a degree and secure a great career before you get married. Today's Nigerian men are not as reliant as most of our fathers...they can and will walk out. You don't want your man to say, "Ah ah woman, shut up, I beg! After all I trained you!" LOL! It does happen.... - Lesson# 6: Build your foundation with GOD! *(this should really be lesson 1) A woman teaches a man how to treat her. Pray together. Determine his religious beliefs. Is he spiritual? Is he a believer or a church goer? What are his values? Because, if you have a man that you cannot pray with, there is no HIGHER POWER that can humble Him...that is dangerous territory. - Lesson #7: Ask QUESTIONS! Did he grow up in an abusive home? How does he handle anger? Many Nigerian men do not see anything wrong with hitting their women or telling them to 'shut up'. My parents are "happily married" and will celebrate 30 years of marriage this year; they are my example and I let my man know that my father has NEVER hit my mom and he will NEVER lay his hands on me.

Okay now...gotta run! Edith Adanma Ashamole

Many Nigerian women believe that life is planned around “when you get married”, “when you have children” and “what your man does for a living”. This all should be irrelevant in when choosing a man that you look in being your future mate. Many women find out the hard way that putting all of your eggs in one basket will get your feelings hurt.Learn to love yourself and cherish all of the talents and things your maker has given you. If you are a woman that has a high spirit and enjoys the great things in life-like going out on vacations, eating out and watching broadway plays then have a man in your life that can handle doing those things with you. You can be with a man that has all of the money in the world to pay for the fun things that you want to do but if he has no sense of enjoying life–you will suffer. Don’t go out with him. You can not change a man. Many women feel that they have the magical power to this. If you can change him it is going to be like watching evolution occur. Very slow. After looking at case study after case study with many Nigerian women in growing numbers that are 35 and above and yet to be married, I learn that it is because they put their wants and needs second and let their man dictate what life will be like for them in their so-called relationship. Examples of this are:

• Not partying or having fun because he does not want to go out
• Reducing communications with your friends because you believe that this guy is your “all”
• Everything he says is the it all -be all. There is no medium or compromise
• Not seeking advice or therapy to alleviate issues occurring in your relationship.
• Being afraid to date outside of your tribe/cultural background
• You are afraid to express your true self and personality

These are all examples of why many of these women find themselves by themselves. Others may have high expectations with out a reality check, others may be hiding behind their so-called careers, but those reasons that are listed above are the main reasons why Nigerian women are so alone. So know yourself and what you truly want out of a man before entering a relationship. Put all of your cards out on the table. If you know your pet peeves–make sure you tell him up front so that way he gets a head start on supressing them. You will be cheating yourself out of a true experience when you try to cut corners. — Lastly pray.

Hello My Nigerian Sisters and Brothers!! Welcome to Finding your Future Nigerian Husband©! I want to first thank all you for having the courage and taking time out of your day to review my site. It is really hard to create a site like this. After having several round table discussions, whether sexual, cultural, biblical and comical I felt this was the time now to create a site like this. 

 This is inspirational and I do not expect for people to agree with everything I say on here. This forum and site is a place where my interested people can caucus, make comments,share their opinions and also key advice based on their experiences and mistakes.

There will be many controversial topics and alot of times I will have guest writers on here. If you are an experienced writer and would like to contribute, please contact me at africanfashionhoney@yahoo.com. 

Thank you for being a part of this project. Comments from YOU are taken likely and believed to be a resource to helping women and men understand themselves, this process and building a sense of cohesiveness amongst our people.